You Can’t Fuck

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven’t sent him any. Ever.

Today, I arranged rose petals on our bed saying "I love you." When my boyfriend got home from work, even though candles were burning enough to see clearly, he asks "what the hell IS this mess?!" and made me clear it up. Needless to say, I didn’t get any. It’s been months.

Today, I had to apply medicine to my friend’s spider bites, located on her ass crack.

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night.

Today, after making out with my girlfriend for the first time, I took down my pants only to have her say,’ Eww, what’re those drooping sacks? They look like tumours.’ She was serious.

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love when I turn to find my brother standing at the door watching. Later I asked him how much he saw, he said "I saw from the part where you were both taking off your clothes to the part where she started screaming". He had also told my mum.

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend’s lips when I said "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was "So does yours."

Today, I moved my stuff into my college dorm room. As a treat, my dad took me to a fancy Italian restaurant. After we ordered our food, he mentioned that there are a lot more girls here than at home. He then gave me the "sex talk."

Today, my brother randomly told me that unless he’s wearing underwear, his jungle of pubic hair would get caught in his zipper. Thanks for the lovely visual.

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold.