You Can’t Fuck

Today, I lost my virginity to a guy who believes he is a Sith.

Today, I found out that the man I met online was a fake facebook account, made by my daughter and her friends.

Today, I lost my virginity. I blew out my knee while in the act.

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I’ll be able to think about is my parents having sex.

Today, I heard that there’s a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else.

Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor.

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on.

Today, my soon-to-be mother in law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house.

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn’t answer his phone last night. He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother.

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl.