You Can’t Fuck

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today.

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter’s boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her.

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, "Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts."

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let’s just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life.

Today, I learned that my apartment’s walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I’ve lived in this apartment for three years. I’ve been single and horny for all of them.

Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn’t kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school.

Today, I walked in on my mom’s boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn’t stop.

Today, after my husband’s phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We’ve been married for nine years and have two children.

Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera.

Today, I talked to my boyfriend’s dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you’re a screamer."