You Can’t Fuck

Today, my parents decided I was old enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. She’s a screamer.

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes.

Today, my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. Puzzled, I ask him why. He tells me that when I’m naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with ‘udders’ . Offended, I go to get off. ‘No no’ he protests, ‘a SEXY cow’.

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend having sex with the neighbour’s daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing ‘It Wasn’t Me’ by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl.

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume.

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table.

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am.

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I’ve heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard.

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I’m not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It’s-a-me! Mario!"

Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they’d had great sex also.