You Can’t Fuck

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list.

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don’t know what’s worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing.

Today, my father decided that since he’s paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I’m away. My parents are still together.

Today, I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn’t seen in ages. In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing.

Today, I went out to a club, and actually managed to pull an attractive guy. We kissed for a few minutes and then he got more physical and put his hand down my trousers. He quickly withdrew his hand and ran away. He thought I was a girl.

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again.

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he’d slept with other women. No, the sex wasn’t weird, because we’re not in an open marriage.

Today, I work in an Emergency Room and I had to give CPR to a naked woman. This is the most action I’ve gotten since my breakup last year.

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn’t mean that I can get required erections in the night.

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that’s how active my sex life is.