Today, I ordered my girlfriend (hopefully my soon-to-be fiancée) an engagement ring online. I then cleared my history so she wouldn’t be able to see what I bought. She noticed I had cleared the history and then proceeded to dump me because she thought I had been watching porn.
Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can’t give her one.
Today, I overhead my mother’s request to be spanked harder by my dad.
Today, my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. I cheered when Hawaii won. My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad.
Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in.
Today, after sleeping with my boyfriend of two years he told me while we were about to make love to, "Pull your hair back, the way your sister does it."
Today, I tripped and hit my head on a countertop creating a rather ugly bump. I snuggled up to make love to my boyfriend in order to forget the awful pain. He took one look at my head and said, "Baby, I can’t make love to you with mountain on your forehead." .
Today, I realized that I’m a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened.
Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend.
Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday."