You Can’t Fuck

Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I’m scared to go in their room now.

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating “a real catch”. Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they’re both whores? I can’t decide.

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn’t getting any.

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn’t want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing “We Are The Champions.”

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me masturbating.

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom.

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He’s my boyfriend.

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read.

Today I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face.

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can’t take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?"