You Can’t Fuck

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn’t have sex until we were married. He’s terrible.

Today, I caught my brother smelling my underwear while doing the laundry.

Today, I asked my ex, who I’m still in love with, if he ever thinks of me. He said that he does. Very often. During sex. So he doesn’t come too soon.

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, that’s why he could "never cheat on me with my friends."

Today, my girlfriend was trying to put her hand on my penis over my pants. She couldn’t find it.

Today I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn’t see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "if only you were this good in real life."

Today, I realized that everything I know about sex has come from Family Guy. I’m 23.

Today, I was having amazing sex with my boyfriend for the first time and I had to hold in a huge fart the entire time. I couldn’t get off because I was too busy clenching my butt cheeks.

Today, an older woman came to my family’s garage sale. Whilst my parents went to get change for her purchase, she started telling me about her lifelong dream to dance at a bar with nothing but tassels on her nipples.

Today, I got drunk and had a dream that I had had the most amazing sex with my girlfriend. The good news is that the sex was real, the bad news is that it wasn’t my girlfriend that I woke up next to.