You Can’t Fuck

Today, my future husband said to me "I want to be all over you like maggots on a dead guy." He was serious.

Today, I told my husband I wanted to have sex. He told me he wanted me to lose weight.

Today, my girlfriend insisted I shave my pubes because it would look hot. So I shaved them but, I don’t think red bumps and little pieces of toilet paper everywhere is very "hot".

Today, I had "sex" with my boyfriend for the first time. "Sex" was him trying to get his dick inside me, thinking it was in, and humping 3 times. I guess I’m good at faking orgasms.

Today, I started my first day of work as a summer camp counselor. I said good morning to one of the kids coming in with a smile. The child responded with "Go away, you cunt!".

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen."

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, and I felt something hard under my arm. I asked him seductively if that was his cell phone in his pocket, or was he happy to see me. He scowls at me and tells me it’s his cell phone.

Today, I was getting off with someone for the first time. I came in my pants as soon as my tongue went in her mouth.

Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I’d give him head one last time before he left.

Today, I went to a bakery with my fiancé and his dad. I was checking out t-shirts on a shelf when somebody started rubbing my shoulders. Thinking it was my fiancé, I jokingly reached behind to grab his crotch, when he leans down and says "You should watch where you put your hands." Wrong person.