Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close.
Today, I met a man at the bar, and he asked me to go home with him. The problem? He’s 80. I’m 29. The bigger problem? I considered it. It’s been that long.
Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater.
Today, while at my grandmother’s, I decided to take a relaxing bath in her jacuzzi tub. After I was done, my grandmother said, "You know, some of my best orgasms have been in that tub."
Today, my father asked me to explain to him what a woman’s orgasm feels like because he "likes to learn new things every day."
Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn’t go down on me as he didn’t like the hair. Now he won’t sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile."
Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven’t sent him any. Ever.
Today, I arranged rose petals on our bed saying "I love you." When my boyfriend got home from work, even though candles were burning enough to see clearly, he asks "what the hell IS this mess?!" and made me clear it up. Needless to say, I didn’t get any. It’s been months.
Today, I had to apply medicine to my friend’s spider bites, located on her ass crack.
Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night.